


Step by Step

by buckylogy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-02 03:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19191235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckylogy/pseuds/buckylogy
Summary: With Thanos defeated, life starts, beautiful and valuable once again. Although, you'll have to learn to live it on your own this time.





	1. Breath Of Life

**Author's Note:**

> This one is mostly about the Reader dealing with the loss of their loved ones. There will be some references regarding 'Endgame' so if you haven't seen the movie already, you should skip this one and save it for later.  
> I may or may not add a few chapters to this one, although each of them will deal with different plots, meaning every chapter is separated from the rest and can be read as a one-shot.

The day was beautiful, you thought, with the sun shining down on you, on everyone in New York City and warming your hearts a little more. People would come and go into the shop you’ve been working on for a few months now. Though it was only a small coffee shop, you enjoyed working there; people would greet you kindly as you took their orders. The money was enough to rent a small apartment not too far away from your job and though you had been growing up under different conditions, you already loved your new life. Although when being alone in your apartment there came some nights where you doubted your decision, and those doubts came with the sorrow over your lost brother. After Tony had sacrificed his very own life to save everyone else’s your life changed entirely. Yeah, Thanos was defeated, your friends were all back, safe and sound, but the price had been to high. Tony had been the last living member of your family and with him gone you found yourself alone in those nights. But, thankfully those painful moments were covered by mostly brighter days, with your determination to continue your life manifested once again. You’d promised to yourself to do it for him, for Tony.

 

You breathe out a sigh as the sunbeams cover your skin like a blanket, warm and safe. 

“You can leave now, I’ll be your replacement,” You startle at the sudden sound of another voice behind you, as it has just interrupted your train of thoughts. “Huh?” Turning around you find your colleague and friend, Julia, smiling brightly at you.

“What? Your shift’s over now, you jerk,” she laughed, “You and that head of yours... Life isn‘t going to live itself, it’s out there, you know?“ 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,“ you muttered, forcing a small smile to appear on your lips. Julia‘s hand is suddenly on your shoulder and you find her gazing intensely at you. “I know you’ve lost a lot and there are days where it comes all back down on you again, but you know I’m always there for you, okay?“ Her expression turns back into a reassuring smile, “And now it’s time to go home.”

How she was always able to read you so easily was beyond you, not that you minded that. It helped you to open up and talk, instead of pushing it back down. 

“Thanks, Julia,” you say with an honest smile on your lips, “I’ll see you later.”

Shouldering your purse you wave your friend goodbye, your feet carrying you through the shop door, like the world weighed nothing today. While opening the door your mind plays with the thought to buy some new furniture, as your apartment still was somewhat empty, but you decide against it for now; a change of clothes might be helpful in the first place. As you head towards your home you notice the many people passing by, some families, some couples and some alone, all of them happy to be here, obviously enjoying life at its fullest again. 

_Thank you, Tony,_ you pray in your thoughts.

You continue to walk down the streets when suddenly a strange yet familiar voice makes you jump around. “Wouldn’t have thought to meet you, of all people, here in the streets of New York City, agent.” He stands right in front of you now and yet you need a second to realize that it’s really him. “Bucky?” You gulped, clearly not prepared to see him again. “The one and only, yes,” he chuckled. He closes the distance between the two of you hesitantly as though to make sure you were comfortable with this sudden contact but eventually he greets you in a warm hug. 

“You know I’m no longer an agent, right?”

“Uh, sorry I forgot that during the moment of surprise. Nice to see you again however,” the former winter soldier recognizes as your body relaxes in his embrace. The two of you separate again and you, still surprised to see him, eventually reply, “Well, I’m glad to see you, too. I didn’t know you were back in the States?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, his human hand at the back of his neck, “after Steve left... you know, I needed to leave Wakanda and go back to New York City; it’s been some time after all.” Wether he was referring to his life from the 40s or the incident in NYC as the Winter Soldier you didn’t know and for sure you weren’t going to ask, not sure how he would react to the question. “That’s... nice, I guess. So you’re trying out the normal-life-thing again, like going to the supermarket, using technology, going on dates?” You joked. “Yeah, kind of I guess,” he replied.

Awkward silence begins to creep up between you. Sure the both of you had been friends ever since Bucky’s mind was back in his own command, but that’s all there was to it. You fought alongside him in the battle against Thanos, then came the snap and he was gone for five years. After Banner undid the first snap they were all back, but the outcome had come out to be the same: You needed to fight Thanos and his army a second time. As all of you fought together, Avengers once more assembled, there had been no time for greetings and happy embraces. And after Tony’s death and funural you soon enough left everyone. No matter where you looked and went to, everyone and everything reminded you of your brother and you couldn’t take it any longer. Since Natasha, too, had died in order to gain the Soul Stone you were left with nothing, so you did the one thing you thought was right at that time; you went to Steve, explained how you felt and how you couldn’t do this any longer, because Tony had been the first one to start with the Avengers and Natasha, your best friend, the glue that held the group together. Now that they weren’t with you any longer you found it time to start all over again. The world was grieving no more, thanks to the Avengers, so why not being a part of it instead of throwing your life in danger over and over again? 

You had told him goodbye; he understood. What everyone else thought about your decision, that didn’t matter to you, you barely paid any attention to them as you had been nothing but lost, numb and lonely.

So since then you haven’t heard anything of your fellow team members and honestly, you had your mind elsewhere the second your feet touched the city’s ground, such as finding a job, an apartment you could afford, working... With the decision to start life again, you wouldn’t touch any of your brother’s money. You wanted to make sure Pepper and Morgan had everything they needed and even though Pepper had insisted to help you out with things, you told her not to do so. You wanted to do this on your own but promised her to keep in touch with them and in fact one of you would call the other once or twice a week, either simply doing small talk or sharing your pain and both was a great help. It continuely proved that you were not alone and that Pepper and Morgan never had been only Tony’s family, but yours as well.

Now that you and Bucky crossed paths again you were faced with the avengers, only if in some way, too and you weren’t sure if you liked that.

“Mind if I take you out on a few drinks?” His deep voice is strangely comforting and you wonder if it was that way before now. You feel his blue eyes gazing straight at yours, causing you to shift uncomfortably under his gaze, carefully not to look him in the eyes. “Actually I was about to go home...Work was pretty exhausting; Had a lot of guests, you know? Maybe another time, okay?” You’ve always been a bad liar and for sure that hadn’t changed during the last months. Even if Buckt didn’t know you that well - you were merely friends due to working together in the past - you weren’t sure if he would see behind your behavior. 

“Sure, we’ll exchange numbers and you call me whenever you want to,“ Bucky replied, his smile never leaving his lips. „Yeah, we‘ll do that!“ 

Did he recognize your silly explanation? Would he think you didn’t like spending time with him? You would never know for sure but also for sure was that you would stop thinking about such things. After exchanging contacts you say your goodbyes to him you give him a short hug, then continued your way home, your steps faster than before - although you didn’t notice that.

The door closes behind you, and only now do you notice how exhausted you suddenly feel, not physically but emotionally. This was the first time after months you have come face to face with your past. Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier who killed your parents, leaving you and Tony behind. Bucky Barnes, who unintentionally had caused tension between your friends that separated the group. Bucky Barnes, the Avenger, best friend of Steve Rogers and your former colleague. These memories hit you all at once, they take your breath away and you collapse onto the ground. Leaving your old life behind wasn’t easy when there were all these people who constantly reminded you of your past, your family, your friends. You wished you could forget about it all, so you wouldn’t have to deal with the pain that kept on drowning your soul. 

With your back leaning against the door, you let your head rest between your knees in order to catch your breath again. When you feel your boiling soul calming down you rise to your feet, throwing the purse into the next corner as you walk into the small kitchen.

A cup of fresh cold water was probably the best thing to shake your feelings off right now, you thought. As you open the door of the refrigerator you grab a bottle of water and an apple - a snack you enjoyed at any time during the day. You then walked to the small couch in your apartment, sitting down to have a first sip of your drink. While chewing on some bites of your apple you think about your plans for the rest of the day. Obviously a shower was the best thing to follow after your short break and of course comfortable clothes. Although you had planned a trip into the city earlier you weren’t so sure about that anymore. Chances were small, but you definitely didn’t want to run into Bucky again. It’s not that you hold a grudge against the man, you actually liked him, it was just that he reminded you of all the things you wanted to forget so much, even though it wasn’t his fault.

The shower turned out to be the best decision since you felt all refreshed and new. Putting on your most comfortable pants along with a lose top and practically threw your body on the couch. Another sip of your bottle of water ran down your throat before you decided to turn the TV on. As long as your hair was still wrapped in the towel to dry a little more you zipped through the channels until you found a proper program to watch. The sound of your ringing phone wakes you up from your nap. You just now noticed how long you had been asleep when you grab the phone from the table in front of your couch, paying a glance at the time before you response the call. Surely you haven’t expected the the person at the other end of the line to call you so early. 

“Isn’t it a bit early for you to call me?” You ask, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. “It is never too early to speak to my sister-in-law, isn’t it?” Pepper chuckled. You smile a little smile at her comforting words. She really did care deeply about you. “So, anything happend? Do you need my help?” Worry starts to embed right in your chest, tightening the invisible rope around your throat. What if something happened to Pepper and Morgan? You wouldn’t have the strength to live without— “We’re fine, really. You should stop worrying so much. I only wanted to hear your voice, checking if you’re alright, okay?” You hear her smile through the phone. “I’m sorry, Pep but,” you sighed, “it’s just so hard imagining I would lose you too.”

“I know...” she peplied, her smile fading. Silence on both sides fills the atmosphere, obviously caused by the fact that ‘it’ had been brought back into the world of the living, hovering over you like a heavy cloud that was about to disappear in raindrops. ‘It’ was the topic that the both of you learned to push back into the back of your minds. ‘It’ was like the evil no one ever dared to name. The picture of Tony, defeated yet determined to give his own life because it was the only way to save everyone else’s, materialized behind your eyes. You see his dead body in your arms, half his body burned as a result for using the infinity stones. His brown eyes are open, staring right through you into the nothingness. 

Before the tears in the corner of your eyes are able to fall down, you push them back down, building up the wall around these memories once more. You take a deep breath, filling your lungs with air and eventually exhale, feeling how your tensed muscles start to relax. 

“So,” you break the silence and by doing so Pepper manages to break out of her paralysis, too. “How have things been? Any changes I don’t know about?” Trying to keep the easy atmosphere you force a smile onto your lips in order to change the sound of your voice. Everyone else might’ve thought you had been happy, enjoying life but Pepper of course heard the pain in your voice, she knew you too well but said nothing.

“She’s riding the bike now,” Pepper reported excitedly, “and she wants to eat cheeseburgers almost everyday,” the woman laughed, “but even if I can convince her to eat healthier things once in a while I can’t stop her to use the helmet of my suit.” She was just so much like Tony, you smile in your thoughts. Since regaining control over your feelings again, you felt joy instead of sorrow at the memory of Tony and his Iron suits. 

“She’s growing up so fast,” you told Pepper, “and there’s so much of her reminding me of Tony. I’m glad he kind of lives within her.” It was just a tragedy that Tony wouldn’t be there to see her growing up, falling in love for the first time... He would miss everything. 

Pepper agrees to your words but eventually changes the topic, “So, got any news on your side?” Oh, of course, I ran into Bucky right after work, you wanted to tell her but decide against it. “Uh, no actually,” you mumbled, “Day’s been as usual as ever. Got home from work, took a shower, took a nap and now I’m talking to you.”

You could already hear the disagreeing noise Pepper was about to start. “You can’t be serious, can you? Stop hiding yourself behind your walls and start going out, I mean it. How’s life going to start if you keep on running away? Is this what you left everyone for?” Guilt poisons your heart, running into your mind to sicken your thoughts. Pepper had every right to blame you; she was right after all but that wouldn’t change a thing. You were stuck between the past you were afraid to let go and the future you refused to see. On the one hand you looked away everytime some one reminded you of your past but on the other hand you constantly feared to forget them if you let them go. You were nothing but torn; affecting your life, your decisions, your peace. 

“Pep... I know you’re right but,” you stuttered, trying to push the tears back down, “just stop, please I, I can’t talk about it. Not now,” you breathed out your answer. “Darling,” Pepper replied, her voice pure empathy, “you’ve been telling me this for months now. I understand that, it’s difficult for you, but you’re only lying to yourself.” When neither of you spoke a word you chose to bring the conversation to an end. 

“So, uhm, I think I should hang up now, have to wash the dishes,” you lied. “Okay,” Pepper said calmly but you could clearly hear the sadness in her voice, “stay safe, okay? I just want you to be alright.”

“I know,” you reassured her, “I’ll call you within the next days, okay? And say hello to Morgan, would you do that?”

“Of course I’ll do,” she said before you ended the call. Putting your phone back on the small table in front of you, you stare at the white painted wall  at the other end of the room. Always the same, that’s how your phone calls with Pepper always ended. You knew she worried about you, being all alone in New York City, surrounded by strangers, though that wasn’t entirely true — you’d met Julia already, though the two of you haven’t met each other aside from working together. Now, after the many attempts Pepper had tried to convince you into socializing once again, you thought that maybe, just maybe, it could be a good idea. Doubts put aside you grab your phone once more, sending a text to your friend.

_ >>How about going for a few drinks after work tomorrow?<<_

 Your shift would start at 3 P.M, as did Julia’s. Usually you’d go home straight after work but maybe sharing a few drinks with your friend in a bar could help you to clear your thoughts.

       _ >>Sounds great! Gotta be a lot of fun. XOXO<<_

You couldn’t hide the smile that appeared on your lips as you realize how excited your friend responded to your offer. It feels strange yet familiar to you; after all these months you’d forgotten what friendship meant. Until now you thought you had cut off all your ties, thinking you were better off on your own but now that tiny little feelings of excitement and joy sparkle in your heart you realize how much you’ve actually missed them. 

* * *

The sunlight tickles your eyes. Stretching your extremities you slowly open your eyes with a deep yawn. You turn your head to pay a short glance at the alarm clock — 10 A.M. Since you wouldn’t have to leave your apartment until 2.30 P.M. so theoretically you could stay in bed a little longer. Despite that fact you choose to get out of bed rather earlier than later given the possibility that if you chose to sleep a little longer you would be tired for the rest of the day. Your bare feet touch the cold ground and you quickly walk towards your closet to grab a pair of warm comfortable socks to put on. As you enter the kitchen you check your fridge for a possible little breakfast. Sadly you find it almost empty but that didn’t surprise you in the least since you’ve been living alone and, secondly, you weren’t much of a hungry person either. You write a mental note to yourself to go grocery shopping before heading to work in the afternoon.

With your favorite jeans, a plain black shirt and your hair tied into a high ponytail you watch yourself in the mirror. It was a casual look but you needn’t any more, you wouldn’t want to stand out nor look too underdressed whenever you left your apartment. You give your enantiomorph a quick nod before you grab a simple tote bag for your groceries. Since it was yet another beautiful day outside there was no need to wear a jacket, so you stuff your keys in the one, your phone in the other pocket of your jeans.

 

You step outside of your apartment door and take the steps downstairs. As you step onto the sidewalk the sunlight hits you with all its strength. I should have gone with short pants instead, you sigh in your thoughts but continue your walk nonetheless. The walk back up into your apartment would only cost you sweat and exhaustion so you push your thought into the depths of your mind and focus on your shopping list. Of course you haven’t bothered to write it down and instead relied on your memories. 

Strangers pass by, most of them had their faces glued to their smartphone, checking messages, writing e-mails, stalking social media or else. A small smile forms on your lips; no-one paid attention to you, let alone pay a glance at you. Everyone around the world knew the avengers, knew what they’d done to rescue the galaxy and under any other circumstances they would’ve probably thrown themselves at you, but not here in this city where everyone was a stranger, where everyone lived their own lives. Even those who greeted you at the coffee shop were usually too focused on the digital world to recognize you and if you were being honest, you preferred that over the chance that any of them threw their arms  around you, telling you ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ over and over again and eventually non of those words would mean anything, because they weren’t in your situation. Non of them had a brother who sacrificed his life to save the entire universe. 

So, for once in your life you were grateful to be one of them; a stranger, an ordinary human being, living your life for your own good and not for those of others.

The sound of an incoming message on your phone stops your mind from wandering any further into your thoughts and you come to a halt, quickly stepping to the side in order to let the flow of people behind you pass by. Without unlocking your screen you read the short message that glows on the screen. 

       _ >>Hi auntie!<<_

If you had been inside your four walls you would’ve laughed out wholeheartedly at the message from your niece. She really was a smart girl; stealing her mother’s phone only to send you her greetings. She clearly missed you and so did you. Your first thought was to call her immediately, just to hear her voice but eventually decide to send her a reply. 

       _ >>What an honor to hear from my favorite niece. But better don’t let mom find out you stole her phone! I love you, sweetheart.<< _

Of course Pepper would find out as soon as she came across those messages but you knew she wouldn’t be mad, probably telling her daughter to ask her instead of doing it behind her back. Although Morgan was the daughter of Tony Stark, the famous mechanic, she wouldn’t be too thrilled about her little girl playing on her phone at her young age. And you agreed with that. There was a world outside that waited for her to be discovered. 

       _ >>I love you 2999<< _

You can’t avoid the single tear to escape the corner of your eye so you let it slip with a smile on your lips as your heart jumps heavily in both joy and sorrow. Only her mother and father were reserved for the number 3000. Morgan would soon enough find out that love couldn’t be held in numbers—it was endless, if you truly loved someone. And so was your love for her. A part of Tony continued to live within her and you’d do anything to protect her. 

* * *

“To be honest, at first I thought you were joking or at least drunk when I read your message,” Julia laughed before she continued, “and you haven’t changed your mind? Like, you’re really being honest with me?” You roll your eyes at her. 

 

“Seriously, it’s not like I haven’t been out before, Julia. If you don’t want to then just say it.”

“What? Are you kidding me?! I am not going to say ‘no’ to your offer. It’s just... well, I can’t remember you going out once, at least not since I’ve known you,” she explained as she handed the ordered coffee to one of the customers. You already regret your harsh words, sighing out the tensed air in your body in order to calm down. “You’re right...I’m sorry for attacking you so harshly. I’m just nervous because, like you said, it’s been quite some time since I last got in touch with society and I’m kind of... afraid,” you muttered silently as you prepare the next order. 

“Afraid?” She deadpanned at your explanation, barely making the attempt to stay silent, “You’re an avenger, for God’s sake! You’ve experienced worse than ‘society’!” 

“And you ‘for God’s sake’ should better keep quiet! I don’t want people to recognize me, alright?” You push your words through your teeth in a whisper, making sure for only her to hear you. Julia shoots her arms up defensively as she apologized to you, “Alright, alright I got it. You’re not a part of... ‘them’ anymore, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just so... unlikely for you.” You huff in slight contempt. Yes, you hated how she still compared you with your former colleagues, your old ‘job’, your old life. The only thing you wanted was for people to see you as a human being, too and not some fearless superhero. Those times were in the past. 

“There’s more to it, am I right?” And again she read you like an open book. You stare at her, forgetting about your work for a moment. Even after your little outburst she didn’t hold back, she couldn’t, knowing that you never directed your anger directly at her. “...What?” That’s the only word that leaves your mouth; oh, you weren’t going to tell her that, were you? 

“I’m not stupid, you know? You’re working at a coffee shop, you’re talking to people everyday; either taking their orders or even countering flirt attempts. Even if you’re living a different life now, you can’t avoid people taking notice of you and never have you ever looked like you felt out-of-place.” Her skills to analyze you so thoroughly were amazing to say the least and you wonder why she hadn’t taken notice of her talents as of yet. She would make a great psychiatrist, you thought. And still you stare at her with wide eyes, your body resembling how perplexed you are. 

“Julia, you...,” There’s no use in hiding any longer, you realize but only tell her, “Later, okay? Now’s not the best time.” 

* * *

“Are you ready?!” You choose to ignore your impatient friend as you let your black dress slide over your shoulders. It was a simple one; it didn’t show off too much, there were no extras attached to it. It was soft and comfortable to wear. While your friend was seated on your couch, you check yourself in the mirror in your bedroom one last time. The dress was at knee-length, your arms and it covered your cleavage just perfectly. Being the conservative person you were, you weren’t thrilled to show off too much skin. You needn’t prove anyone what you’ve got under your clothes, you could very well live without intensive glances from both men and women. While Tony used to joke about your choice of clothing you’ve never regretted being different from him. You could live without the attention, back then as well as now. 

 

With a sigh on your lips you leave the bedroom, heading towards the living room. The moment Julia hears your footsteps she’s on her feet, meeting you halfway in the living room. Her eyes are roaming over you, taking your appearance all in. “Wow,” she breathed out, “You still know how to show off your curves. You look... gorgeous!” The blood in your veins immediately runs into your cheeks and all you wished was to feel a little less exposed. “Tha...Thank you, uhm... I guess?” Julia laughs genuinely at you while she headed towards the floor, ready to leave. “Come on, don’t leave me waiting for you again. Let’s have some fun!” Before following your friends you decide to throw a black cardigan over your shoulders, just to make sure you wouldn’t show off too much, then quickly reaching your friend again. Once Julia’s eyes land on you she puts a hand on your shoulder, speaking, “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, really. You look amazing, not showing off too much, I swear. There’s no need to hide the rest of your skin as well.” But you couldn’t be too sure, so you decide to keep it on and the look on your eyes tells her as much. She nods at you, understanding. “Okay then, you ready?” It was now your turn to nod in agreement.

You throw yet another shot down your throat, feeling how the liquid burns its way into your stomach. “Hell, that’s it,” you muttered, only barley holding your figure on the bar stool. Julia enjoys herself just as much, copying your much as well. “You sure as hell had a great idea! Should’ve done that much earlier,” she laughed out loud while giving you a strong pat on your back. You choked at her gesture but eventually fell in a hysteric laughter along with her. Both of you had long forgotten to count the drinks and continued to order one after another.

“By the way, I allowed myself to do you some good,” Julia began as you played with the glass in your hand almost like falling in trance. Only when her last words reached you, you managed to fall out of your paralysis.

“You did WHAT?!” You ignored any potential curious glances coming your way as you screamed at your friend in disbelief. “When?!” The glass in your hand hits the counter but luckily doesn’t crack in your moment of hysteria. “Come on, calm down,” she laughed it off with a reassuring smile, “He should’ve been already here by that time but given the fact he isn’t, means it’s alright. No reason to go all crazy. I thought I would do you a favor.” You said nothing in return, instead grabbing your phone out of your small bag to check whether she was really telling you the truth. With a click on the messenger-symbol you’re quickly confronted with the truth: Your recent chat had been with Bucky. Although the drunken voices in your head literally screamed at you to shove your phone back into your bag you choose to ignore them and rather tab the chat symbol. Before even reading the message you already regret telling Julia about your recent ‘meeting’ with Bucky. You’d practically told her anything on your way home; How he’d recognized you on your way home the day before, how he’d asked you out for a few drinks—Julia immediately shouted it out as a date, which you gladly ignored—and eventually you exchanging contacts with him.

While you had been dressing up in your bedroom Julia grabbed your phone on the table in the living room and texted your former colleague this message... You couldn’t believe it; couldn’t believe that your friend used your trust you held towards her to do... Why had you even told her the pin?! What had you been thinking back then?! With shaking fingers you touch the chat symbol. 

       _ >>Still up to that offer? I’m at—<<_

You couldn’t finish the message, choosing to stuff the phone back into your bag and bring the re-filled glass to your lips, drowning the liquid in one shot. “You’re lucky he probably hasn’t read the message as of yet, given the fact that it’s already past midnight,” you told her calmly, not daring to look at her. Both of you sit silently next to another, not speaking a word for minutes while the atmosphere was filled with background-talking, people coming by to order a few drinks. The music beats in your ears but you pay no thought to the disturbing rhythms filling the room. It was your friend who chose to interrupt the awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered weakly, her vision once becoming clear after being dusted by the many drinks she’d had. “You were afraid of running into him here again, even if the chance was small, most likely zero but, I thought he could help you. I shouldn’t have done that without telling you; hell, without _asking_ you. It was a bloody mistake.” The fog in your head started to clear as well and you could hear the honesty in her words; she felt truly sorry and regretted her actions. Still your heart won’t slow down its beating, proving how nervous you were. All you wanted was to go home, forgetting about everything, just falling asleep peacefully. Unfortunately, fate had different plans for you.

It happens all of a sudden; the blood in your body running into your head as a strong hand that’s definitely not Julia’s grabs your small shoulder. His face turned up in your mind before you even knew it was him. When you finally turn your head over your shoulder you feel your heart in your throat and your eyes fly open, almost about to fall out of your skull. 

Piercing blue eyes seem to stare right through you and you can’t help but pull your jacket instinctively closer around your chest, suddenly feeling too exposed, too naked; like he could right stare into your soul.

“Honestly? When we met last time I thought you wished you didn’t know me. I’m glad you invited me, though.” _He smiles brightly like the sun shines down on us,_  you thought. You offer him nothing more than a weak smile, focusing on the glass in your hands once more as he sits down on the bar stool next to you. Great. Now you’re sandwiched between the friend who dragged you into this situation and the ‘friend’ you wanted to avoid for probably the rest of your life. It couldn’t get any worse now, could it? Since being too caught up in your own head you miss the part where Julia and Buckt shake hands behind your back, introducing each other and telling them their ‘nice to meet you’. 

“Hey, you still with us?” Bucky pulls you back into their presence with his question. You blink your eyes in confusion, only now realizing that you’d missed to greet him, too. 

“Oh, uhm, yeah, sorry,” you stuttered, “guess I’ve had too many drinks,” you try to laugh it off in a weak attempt. Both Julia and Bucky stare at you for a moment before Julia eventually waves it off.

“Anyway, it’s good to finally meet you, _Sergeant_ ,” The way she pronounced the latter part of her sentence makes you shiver in cold sweat. She didn’t know the whole story behind Bucky, therefore couldn’t know that it was best to not remind him of the old times. Surprisingly, Bucky either ignored her address or didn’t mind it...

“Well, I’ve just gotten here, so it’s no wonder we haven’t met earlier,” he explained while the smile on his lips never faltered an inch. You choose to stay silent while both of them chatted so easily like they’d known each other for a long time, so you listen to their stories, silently ordering another drink to feed your system when a sudden feeling in your chest starts to rise, slowly but surely poisoning your heart. Really? Jealousy? You? Never.

Drinking the liquid in one go you shove your thoughts aside, back into the depths of your mind. This was becoming ridiculous like, seriously. Though, you couldn’t ignore the fact that you’d just turned into the third wheel here. Minutes ago Julia had apologized to you and now she was talking to Bucky like it wasn’t her fault for him being here. The realistic side of your brain told you to play it off, taking the chance to step forward but the other part told you to run as fast as you could and for a second you play with the thought to really go. They could perfectly have a nice time without you but then there was this part of you that _didn’t want to leave him._

Another drink, then.

His presence was nothing but breathtaking. The heat radiating off of him consumes your body, which is why you, absentmindedly, free yourself out of your thin jacket. The way he spoke—no it was the sound of his voice, you correct in your thoughts and, oh, the way he laughed, took you all in, like you were listening to a beautiful song that you could listen to all day long. 

_Why haven’t I noticed this earlier? Why now?_

—Because back then he hadn’t been in the condition to be happy, to enjoy life because he was constantly fighting battles that weren’t his, plus the fact that you’d rarely spoken a work with each other. 

The next drink runs down your throat and before you set the glass onto the counter again, you order the next one. Were they even paying attention to you or had you become all invisible? You don’t want to check out on that and instead take the next sip of your alcohol-touched glass.

The sound of the beautiful melody that belonged to non other than Bucky Barnes pulls you out of your drunken mind. What time was it? Had you missed something? You didn’t know but it felt like you’d been elsewhere for a good while when Bucky asks, “Let’s go home, should we? It’s pretty damn late.” What’s the definition of ‘late’? 

You stand up before the decision is made and almost stumble across your own feet, if Bucky hadn’t caught your arm in time. In an attempt to steady yourself you hold on to his too muscular shoulder and once you’re safely on your feet you forget to let go. Too tired, too exhausted, too drunk. The question on how to get home safely was of different matter now, you were too tired to think it through. You don’t hear the voices of your friends, asking whether you were alright. How you made it out of the bar without falling over your own feet was yet another mystery to you but you were now definitely standing on the sidewalk, your friends behind you.

Julia watches you worryingly while mumbling something to Bucky, who glanced at you with worry just as much. Whatever she’d said to him, he seemed to agree as he gave her a reassuring nod before stepping towards you. His metal hand rests on your shoulder but you almost don’t notice, for your eyes fall shut every once in a while. He chuckles, amused but still worried with a half smile on his lips. 

“You seem pretty much wasted,” he spoke, “Here, I’ll carry you the rest of the way.” He steps in front of you before going down on his knees to pull you onto his back. 

 “What—?” Your arms immediately reach for his shoulders in order to avoid falling but you’re still left shocked and perplexed. As much as you wanted to protest, you were immediately reminded of your exhaustion and tiredness and even while being held on his back, the world around you wouldn’t stop spinning. With no strength left to fight your heavy growing eyelids you eventually relax against his strong figure. You miss how he follows Julia on her way home, making sure she gets there safely. You miss how she explains the way to your apartment from there on. Only when Bucky loosens his grip on your legs to grab your unconscious form bridal style you manage to wake up, if only barely. Even in the darkness his blue eyes stood out, shining like they were the only source of light. 

A soft smile covers his lips as he whispers, “Hey, I need your keys.”

You can hear his strong heartbeat as he carries you into your apartment. You wished he would never let you go, wished he would carry you in his strong arms forever. Although drunk, you felt safe, as though while being in his arms all the bad in this world could not reach you. You whine at the sudden lack of contact as he lays you down on your bed, pulling the blanket over your small body. When had he freed you from your shoes? When did he turn on the light? 

“I’m gonna go...” he whispered softly, about to turn around but you stop him by grabbing his human hand. One word left your mouth, one command that told him what you needed. “Stay.” Even when confused he looked like a lost puppy. Dark strands fighting over dominance with his steel blue eyes. His body a temple of muscles that resembled strength, safety and war, yet so warm and soft, as though he couldn’t hurt a single soul. Not even the mysteries his soul and body held could keep you at distance any longer. You needed him next to you and you almost wanted to cry out for being to blind all this time.

“Stay with me,” you mumbled a second time, entwining your fingers with his as you softly pulled him towards the mattress. Of course it wasn’t your strength that guided him, no, it was the way he looked at you and wanted to be there for you. You pulled him close like a magnet and never would he dare to fight against your affect on him. From the second he met you in this city only yesterday he’d missed you. It was like fate was finally on his side when you two met in a city full of strangers. 

Eventually his back touches the mattress and while lying next to you he threw off his shoes, but just like you, he stayed in the rest of his clothes. You were still drunk and he was not going to take advantage of that, although he hoped that the longing you held for him wouldn’t be gone the next morning. It was when he realized he left the light on that he stands up a last time to turn it off before climbing into the bed again. He’s got no chance to adjust his body in a more comfortable position as you quickly cuddle up next to him with your head resting on his chest, one leg tangling around his.

“G’night Buck,” you mumbled. Not a second later you were gone, lost in a heavy sleep and a dreamless night. 

“Good night,” he replied silently, more to himself than you as he gazed into the darkness, lost in his memories while his human hand carefully stroked your warm cheek. It was when an all-too-familiar feeling planted its seeds in his heart that the former Winter Soldier exited his train of thoughts. No, what he felt right now wasn’t fear, but definitely came close to it. His heartbeat was stronger than ever and he prayed you wouldn’t wake up due to the thunder in his chest. Although the warmth of your sleeping form comforted his own, he could not fight the cold growing inside his bloodstream. Bucky chews on his bottom lip to keep himself quiet but at the same time he can’t avoid his muscles tensioning at the growing nervousness inside him.

A thought starts to grow in his mind and Bucky begins to wonder where it all started. Where did he fall for you? Before or after you’d left? He desperately tries to reciprocate the few moments he’d passed your ways and stops at his most recent memory: _A young, smart and talented girl, former avenger, now dressed in the colors of the coffee shop she worked at._ The memory of that day is still so fresh that Bucky almost feels like being send back to that day, able to smell your hair, touch your skin, see the sparkles in your eyes. And with those pictures in front of his eyes he eventually falls asleep, his nervousness washed away with his memories and his heart beating in sync with yours again.

* * *

You regret waking up even before cracking your eyes open. With your vision still blurry and your groggy mind you try to remember what caused your nausea and that’s when you jumped to your feet, ignoring the cold floor underneath you as you all but ran toward the bathroom to throw your head over the toilet. While you empty your stomach, images of last night pass your mind; there had been alcohol — lots of alcohol— and there had been... Bucky. 

 

       _Who‘d carried you home._

_Who’d stayed by your side because you asked him to._

Where was he now? You hadn’t paid any attention towards your surroundings whilst you’d been heading for the bathroom. However, you weren’t going to check up on him — not before brushing your teeth, since you still tasted of fresh vomit. 

Three minutes later, you step out of the bathroom and head towards your small kitchen. If he hadn’t left already, he’d be either there or in the living room but telling from the silence in your apartment, you were almost sure he was gone. Well, you couldn’t be mad at him. He’d stayed by your side for the night after you had knocked yourself off due to the many alcohol in your blood.

You come to a halt in the kitchen and you can’t suppress the disappointed sigh coming through your lips as you find the nothingness in front of you. With your head down you walk over towards the living room, expecting it to be empty as well. As you walk your way you remember last night‘s events. The night with Julia had started out well; the two of you had been talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s presence a lot — until Julia revealed her actions and Bucky had been standing behind you all of a sudden. Had you even spoken a single word to him? At least non that you could think of right now, aside from the short greeting. Although you had practically ignored his presence in the bar he had been all nicely, carrying you home piggy back and even staying with you during the night. 

A wave made of guilt and regret crushed your walls and you watch them break into tiny pieces. You didn’t deserve his friendship. What did Bucky think of you? Gods, you were awful, cruel...

“Oh, so you’re finally standing on your own two feet again,” a voice laughed and brings you back into reality. So he didn’t leave, you thought and relief spreads through your body, starting from your heart. You nod in his direction, feeling how the weight leaves your shoulders, eventually stepping forward to sit down next to him. Without knowing what to say, you stay silent, paying no attention at the awkwardness of the current situation. Bucky on his side, didn’t seem to care at all. “You feeling okay? No hangover?” 

You could melt at the sound of his beautiful soft voice. You shake your head to give him an answer; you feared your own voice would betray you in an attempt to give him a proper answer. The silence continues to consume the atmosphere and finally Bucky comes to realize how awkward this whole situation actually was. He coughed in an attempt to shake it off, maybe to push you into a conversation but when you didn’t answer, he knew it was probably time to leave. 

 “So,” he starts, shifting in his seat, “I think I should go now. You seem fine enough to handle the rest so...,” he heaved himself out of his position but before he can make his first step, your hand shoots forward, grabbing his ankle. You knew you weren’t strong enough to pull him back down but that didn’t change the fact that you held your grip on him tightly. 

“Stay,” you mumbled once more while swimming in the memory of last night.

This time you were in control of the situation. Bucky looked down on you, all confused while you stared at the blank wall at the other end of the room, like you were in trance. He understood your gesture however, as he sat down again, intensely gazing at your profile. He can’t tell what it was, but there was something about you that fascinated him and he just couldn’t stop looking at you.

“What’s going on?” The words leave his mouth before he had the chance to think them through; hell, they hadn’t even come up in his mind before and yet, they’d been set free. 

After what felt like hours, you eventually turn your head to face your... _friend?_

_Now, what was he to you again?_

Your feelings were a mess, to say the least. First up, you were still somewhat hangover with the little headache in the back of your mind, although you’d lied to him about that, and then there were your messed up feelings for _him_.

You push out the tension in your mind in an exhausted sigh, closing your eyes before gazing right into his bright blue eyes again. “I..,” you paused. You’d no idea what to say. “I’m sorry for last night, Buck, I was...,” another sigh escapes your mouth, “Gods, I’m a mess, I’m so sorry!” You hide your face and the tell-tale tears behind your small hands, slowly falling forward until your elbows find their equilibrium on your knees. Too much. It was all too much and no use to hold back the sobs any longer. While your mind screamed at you to stay with him, seeking comfort, your body all but screamed at you to stay away. “Oh Bucky, I’m so...,” you could not speak any further, the tears and the pain in your chest were overwhelming, so you cried, louder, harder, unable to control.

“Hey,” Bucky spoke softly, his metal hand resting on the small of your back, “It’s alright, okay? You’re not alone, you never were. We’ve always been by your side, even when we were separated, even when you tried to push us away.” There was so much meaning behind his words, you could hear it. His words were soothing, comforting, touching and warming your broken soul. You let him guide you—you were far too weak to fight his strength—and when your chest rested against his, one arm human, the other made of metal you finally feel safe. No, more than that. It felt like everything you didn’t search, because it’s always been there, right next to you. After the death of your parents, a part of you had died along with them. Then, after Tony’s death the rest of you died with him. Or so you’d thought—until now. Because somehow, slowly but surely, Bucky’d managed to build the pieces back together in such a short time. That’s why your arms searched for hold around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer as though your entire life depended on it. 

“Don’t let go...I’m begging you, please—,”

“Never.” His answer was strong as he interrupted your plea, your breaking voice. It was all you needed; a promise spoken in one single word. You listen to his steady strong heartbeat, allowing it to calm you down, and it really was comforting, like a lullaby that sang you asleep. Although the desire to do just that—falling asleep—was strong you fight it off, eventually breaking free off your tight embrace to meet his gaze. “Thank you.”

His smile was small but gentle like a warm breeze in the midst of a hot summer night. You don’t shy away as his metal hand comes closer towards your face to brush a strand of your hair behind your ear as his eyes were practically glued on yours. “If you don’t want to, I won’t bother you again but, it really helps a lot to talk about your demons,” Bucky whispered, “I know what I’m talking about.” You laugh away your tears, rubbing your cheeks dry from the salty tears with the back of your hand. “You sure as hell know how to save a day,” you grin widely at him, not surprised in the least when you feel your heart beating all crazy in joy.

As fast as the smile had appeared on your lips, as fast was it gone, and Bucky, too, could feel the change in the atmosphere. “Y’know,” you started, your eyes running wild as to not meet his gaze, “A lot’s happened. The first time we fought Thanos, the snap, half of you being gone for five years only to come back to the next fight against this monster. And you know how it ended...” Bucky listened carefully to your words, consuming them completely, making sure to not miss a single sound of your voice. The fact that you tried to avoid his gaze proved how traumatized you were. “Tony, he... was always a reckless idiot. But he was my brother and I loved him more than anything else. He was the only family I had after—,” you suddenly stopped yourself from speaking any further. Of course Bucky knew how the rest went, he’d been the one to kill your parents after all. “What I’m trying to say is,” you continued nonetheless, “Tony’s everywhere. If I had stayed with you guys, I don’t know what would’ve happened. Guess I’d probably feel worse than I do now,” you laugh off the latter statement, “Even seeing you here, it kind of... hurts me but, at the same time I feel... I don’t know...”

Your eyes finally meet his once again and you can’t help but stare right through them. They were breathtaking, mesmerizing... they were basically stunning. Human fingers gently touched your cheek and you feel the goosebumps rising where he touched your skin. You lean into his touch, closing your eyes to focus solely on his fingers ghosting over your skin.

“Tony wanted to settle down, have a family and he truly had it but it didn’t last; it couldn’t, because the avengers needed him. I’m not blaming them, it was Tony’s decision after all but his death made me realized that I would end the same way if I wouldn’t change the way I lived. I did it for him. I knew he didn’t want to die; he didn’t want to sacrifice himself but he had to. It was the only way. When I saw him dying I saw that look in his face... and that was everything I needed. His eyes alone told me that I had to go; far away so I could live a life he couldn’t have anymore, even if it meant letting you behind. I was filled with hatred at that time but I never showed it. I wanted revenge but the one responsible for his death was already gone.”

You’d opened your eyes once more but still refused to meet Bucky’s gaze. His eyes would only distract your thoughts and memories, clearly not helpful in a situation like this.

“Time passed and hatred turned into desperation and soon enough there was nothing left in me but emptiness. Only Pepper could talk to me, although I never made it easy for her,” you smiled weakly, “The only thing I could do was lock it away and bury all my memories of him somewhere in my heart where I would never find them again.” 

There was still so much left to say but you simply couldn’t convince yourself to continue, to go deeper in the depths of your mind without losing control again. So you waited, waited for him to say something. You’d almost given up when he finally spoke and your eyes flushed up to stare into his blue bright orbs.

“At which point did you allow yourself to suffer?” One question and it knocked all breath out of your lungs. “What do you mean?” You question silently.

“The last time I’d seen you-before you left-it was his funeral. I saw you, and not once did a single tear run down your face.” His observation brought you out of balance. After all this time he remembered that day so clearly.

“You didn’t want the pain to poison your heart, did you? You shut yourself off instead but you couldn’t lock the pain away, not really and that left scars on you and these scars never really healed because whenever someone mentions Tony they’re fresh open, bleeding,” His words hit you like only the truth could. Why could he read you so easily, like you were an open book to him? You couldn’t find the answer to your question as Bucky continued, “And that’s because you’ve never allowed yourself to mourn. You’ve never accepted his death. But he’s not the only one, am I right?”

Tears shot out of the corner of your eyes. They were cold as ice and thick as blood. You wished nothing more than to collapse on the ground but the fact that Bucky held you, close in his arms, his chin resting on the top of your head proved you how much he felt your pain, too.

“Nat died, too but other than Tony she didn’t get a funeral. You had to say goodbye to her on your own; maybe sending a prayer to her in your thoughts. And you couldn’t allow yourself to think about her much because you needed to fight Thanos...,” he stopped himself as he felt the cold tears soaking through his shirt. He didn’t care about that and pulled you closer instead, sharing the warmth of his body with you as he softly pulled your figure on his lap. He rocked you slowly in his arms until your eyes grew heavy from the many tears they’d shed. You breathe in and out, finally recovered from your breakdown.

“Thanks to you the universe is safe once more,” Bucky whispered in soothing words, “But now it’s time to allow yourself to mourn. They’re gone and will never come back but, both Nat and Tony are a part of you,” He pushed you back softly, motioning for you to look him straight in the eyes while a gently smile decorates his lips. “They had so much impact on your life. Their wishes and dreams are yours as well, aren’t they?” You nodded slightly, even managing to send him a small smile. 

“See? They’re not really gone. And you are not alone, doll, because I am with you.” 

Only now do you recognize the sadness in his eyes and his smile begins to fade. Your hand, still a little trembling, reaches forward to rest on his cheeks and you feel the stubble underneath the palm of your hand. “You still miss him, don’t you?” Your voice is no more than a whisper but for Bucky, it feels like you were screaming his name right in his face. Steve. 

“I do,” he admits, “but I try to move on. That’s why I left...” 

You wouldn’t let him continue any further and instead threw your arms around his neck to pull him into a tight hug as to prove him how much you understood. You wanted to say ‘sorry’ but what for? That wouldn’t change the fact that Steve had chosen to live his life in the past—without him. And somehow that had been his way of living his life, just like you tried to do.

It felt like all weight was thrown off your shoulders thanks to one man. Your heart skipped too many beats but you paid no worry into that. If two people could share their pain, could they share something more? The memories of last night; how you’d felt when he carried you in his arms, or when he simply lay next to you; they brought back your feelings from last night. As of now you were sure: these feelings weren’t new, they’d always been there, but were hidden under all that chaos and mess while fighting earth’s enemies.

You slowly pull away, lost in his eyes the moment you look into his face, dreaming of a peaceful, normal life as your faces come closer. Both hands come to rest on either side of his face, and as you hold his face gently in your hands you make sure to remember every detail of his flawless eyes, his long perfect eyelashes, cheeks and—oh, his lips. 

Time seems to stop as you both close your eyes in sync, right before your lips meet. 

The first kiss was short, short and not more than a brush of lips and yet you could feel millions of fireworks exploding in your chest. It was short but you were already becoming addictive to this feeling and as Bucky leaned forward to catch your lips for another kiss. You gladly accept his lips on yours, and with the many fireworks in your chest you lean into his gentle touch, pulling him impossibly closer.

What started in shy, gentle kisses soon grew into something more; you were kissing each other like your very lives depended on it—so hungry and full of passion. Only when the both of you were needy for air did you broke away but still your faces were close enough to feel the breath om each other’s skin. Both of you smiled heavily and for once all pain was forgotten. You could only speak for yourself as your heart was beating insanely fast but you were almost sure he felt no different. Silence fell into the room, but non of which would be described as awkward or uncomfortable. No, it was easy, comforting, even. It was Bucky who’s voice broke through the silent atmosphere.

“So, after all this war and chaos,” he began, grinning widely at you, “Would you mind if I took you out on a proper date?” 

You can only laugh at the memory of yesterday; the fake-message Julia sent him, which he assumed to be an invitation for a ‘date’. He couldn’t have been more wrong back then but who would’ve guessed you would ever change your mind about him? You were in fact more than willing to give it a try.

“I’d love that,” you smile in response and before he can say any more your lips crush his, kissing him with all you had, while your feelings grew stronger with every heartbeat.

Of course neither of you were sure whether this would work out but that was not the center of your attention right now. You wanted to give it—give the both of you—a try. You wanted to give it a try to see if the both of you could become something more. Even though the circumstances that brought you here weren’t perfect—not even close to—but you were sure that together you would learn how to live your life and that fact that you were finding it out together was yet another factor that let your hearts beat in excitement.

While the two of you were too drawn in exploring the other’s mouth you missed the ringing of your phone due to an incoming message of your friend Julia.

       _> >Please tell me you’re not too hungover from last night. Just give me a damn sign that you’re still alive.<<_

You had other thoughts in your minds right now to even play with the thought to leave your place in Bucky’s arms. Whoever that was, he or she could wait. They’d have their whole life to wait for your answer while your own life had only just begun. 

 

 


	2. The World I Used To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're living the perfect life; With your fiancé, non other than Bucky Barnes, you share a small apartment. What's left? Of course, the perfect job. Studying to become a doctor you leave your past behind to live the life you and your brother Tony always wanted. Safe and Sound. But what happens, when the almost forgotten past comes back one day?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: fluff; angst; language; smutty references

> _I'll look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live._
> 
> * * *

_They say your past doesn’t define your future. It’s the decisions you’ve made along your way that lead your way towards your future. Whether it’ll be filled with light or drowned in darkness - - well, nobody can tell you what’ll happen, because it’s ‘in the stars’. There it is, another quote of society to sympathize a future that’s hidden somewhere deep within the cold, thick fog. But that’s not the point, is it? The thing is; when it’s not your past defining your future but your decisions, well - - those exclude each other, don’t they? Because the **decisions** you’ve **made in the past** would define your future.  
_

* * *

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Julia prompted through the phone, “Tell me it’s a _fucking_ joke,” she laughed nervously. You huffed at her hilarious reaction but knew as well that she was only ‘joking’ to hide her surprise. “Nope, not at all,” you said calmly, “I did it. I passed.” In your head you see Julia drinking a glass of fresh water, suddenly spitting it out all at once at your statement and you have to bite down your smirk. “Seriously, you _can’t_ be human. You’re a freak, damn it!” There was a break of silence before she added, “But I’m proud of you, you little freak. It’s finally going somewhere for you.” 

 “Why so full of surprise? You should’ve known before that I’m a genius. Of course I’d do it in such a short amount of time!” You joked with false pride in your voice. Surely Julia knew you weren’t being honest with your arrogance but played along anyway. “Hmm, you really are a Stark. I’d recognize that sound of arrogance anywhere. Tony teached you himself, didn’t he?” If she’d said that 2 years earlier you would’ve immediately said goodbye to her but, now that you’ve learned to progress your brother’s death, you could talk about—hell, even joke about him. Life was so much easier if you’d just allow yourself to mourn over the lost lives. 

“Damn right you are,” you reply while laughing, “Name someone who managed to finish his studies within one and a half year, I’ll wait.” 

“Always so bloody arrogant,” Julia stated with a tease in her voice, “little bitch.” Neither of you could stay silent and you especially couldn’t care less at the weird glares the passengers sent you. You fished the keys to your apartment out of your jacket pocket while you pressed your phone between shoulder and cheek to open the door. 

 “‘Kay, I’m hanging up now, I’m home,” you said in a matter-of-fact, allowed Julia to say her goodbyes before you stuffed the phone into your bag. Opening the door to your apartment the first thing you do is throw your shoes into the next corner, soon followed by your bag, not caring about your phone at all. 

“Buck, I’m home,” you announced into the emptiness. Walking through the floor to head for the kitchen to get yourself a fresh bottle of water you scream as two strong hands grab your waist from behind to pull you straight into a tight hug.

“Bucky, stop it, stop I-,” you squealed as he tickled your sides. He let you back on the ground and you immediately turned around, standing on the tip of your toes, pulling him down for a sweet kiss. “I missed you, idiot,” you chuckle sweetly against his lips. With his hands still resting on your sides he pulls you impossibly closer and you feel the devilish heat radiating off his body, embracing your whole being and you can’t fight the shiver to run down your body.

 

“Missed you more,” he whispered, his lips too close to yours and he eventually catches your lips with his teeth, softly carrying you into the next kiss. Neither of you fought the rising tension and soon enough both of you decided it was time to get rid of your clothes. 

“That’s so cliche, Bucky!” You laugh between wet kisses and dancing tongues. Bucky hummed in response, too far lost in the kiss but managed to pull one of your legs up to his hip and you immediately understood so you wrapped your other leg around his hip as well. He carried you blindly towards the bedroom, never daring to break the love-filled kiss. Seconds later and your back hits the mattress of your king size bed and soon after Bucky follows, gently laying down on top of you, with his hands resting on either sides of your face to steady himself. The only clothes left were your bra and panties and his shorts but neither of you paid attention to that as you were still to focused on exploring each other’s mouth. 

Bucky’s lips start their way from your mouth up to your nose to leave a small kiss, then moving to your eyelids, leaving kisses here and there before traveling back towards your mouth. Every touch lights up a new fire in your skin and slowly but surely, you were growing impatient. You knew he took his time teasing you but as you pressed your hips against his he couldn’t hold back the deep, lust-filled groan coming out of his mouth. “Doll,” he whispered, his ice blue eyes shining dangerously, “we’ve got time and I’ll take it,” he grumbled, “no need to rush things.” He finsihes his words with yet another wet, passionate kiss on your lips and the way he did that - - you couldn’t help but moan into his mouth, while your panties were already soaking through; Gods, you were more than ready for him. Bucky was no different, though. He was already rockhard but when you try to sneak one of your hands inside his shorts he quickly grabs your wrist to pin your arms above your head. 

“Sorry, doll,” he whispered against your lips, with your bottom lip between his teeth, “I had to wait for you the whole day, now let me welcome you properly.” That wasn’t true, at least not entirely. It was just afternoon and you hadn’t been out for more than eight hours. Damn, Bucky could be so dramatic. And needy. Of course you didn’t mind at all - - Sex with Bucky was always more than breathtaking. He was a damn sex god, not more and not less. That’s why you didn’t mind that you couldn’t tell him your great news, they could wait but the sex? Well that couldn’t.

~~~

“Something the matter?” Bucky’s flesh hand stroked through the strands of your hair, gently massaging your head as you cuddled your entire being against his warm, strong and muscular chest. You hum in reply, cracking an eye open to glance up at his beautiful face, immediately pressing yourself against his warm skin, seeking warmth. “I... passed,” you said in a yawn. There was a moment of silence where Bucky slowly progressed your words before it hit him hard. 

“Wha- You’re joking, aren’t you?” He sat upright within seconds, forcing you off his chest and you send him a pout but eventually follow his move. 

“I ain’t joking, Buck.” You tried hard to give him a serious glance but your mind was too dizzy to keep up the facade. You were about to turn around with a yawn when Bucky’s strong arms shot around your chest from behind. 

“Jesus, why haven’t you told be earlier? Damn, that’s amazing, doll. I’m proud of you. You did great,” he praised, squeezing you tightly as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder. 

“You’re right,” you yawned once again, “I’m sorry I didn’t. It’s just that, uh, I don’t know. Was busy having sex with you I guess.” 

Bucky couldn’t help but grin at the teasing sound in your tired voice but said nothing in the end as you were obviously on the edge of falling asleep. He never let his eyes off your peaceful sleeping form, smiling gently as he grabbed the blanket to you properly. With a kiss on your cheek he silently heaved himself off the mattress, heading towards the kitchen on naked feet - - after picking up his shorts, of course. 

* * *

  _Heavy darkness all around, weighing him down. The blood of thousands on his hands. Death had once been his best friend._

_Then came Steve and saved him; dragged his vessel back on his own, brought his soul back from the shadows and gave him a reason to live. Although... No, scratch that. Bucky still hadn’t had a reason to live. The only reason he hadn’t committed suicide was his friendship with Steve. He‘d felt like he owed him his life, even if it was in the way that he wouldn’t end it._

_Memories of those he had killed still haunted him every night and no matter how hard Bucky tried, he couldn’t wash the blood off his hands. And the guilt... it had almost completely eaten him out from the inside._

_‘Till the end of the line.’_

_Turned out the end of the line had been reached after the death of Tony Stark. Bucky had known the second he’d seen Steve on that particular day, that his best friend wouldn’t come back. Once more on his own, the former asset of Hydra was forced to stay alive - - somehow._

_Sam had been there, he remembered now. But still, Bucky had felt that drowning emptiness within his heart. A life worth living without the one person that believed in him? Ha, that’s out of the question. With yet another hole in his scarred heart he’d left, standing on the verge of giving up._

~~~

Bucky breathes in and out as he stands in the living room, looking out of the great windows, embraced by the gorgeous view of the city. He feels his heart beating weightlessly and even though those certain, painful memories haunt him from time to time, the former asset was able to brush them off without much effort. Once they were becoming too much, he‘d tell you and that alone helped to ease the pain. 

Now that he was free from handling dangerous missions that would eventually turn into nightmares in his sleep, Bucky learned to enjoy the little things in life. But the greatest gift he‘d achieved so far was your love for him. Living the normal (for others rather boring) life with you in a small yet comfortable apartment with a normal job felt like a dream he’d given up long ago. Brooklyn together with his family, his best friend... all that before the war. It had been a hard time and yet filled with joy and happiness. 

His instincts had never been gone, they’d just been resting in the depths of his mind and it took one noise to wake them up. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and he feels a shiver running down his spine. Bucky wheels around, his body on high alert as he ghosts through his own apartment. At first he even plays with the thought to wake you up but seeing you in the threshold of the bedroom already tells him that what he’d just heard wasn’t an imagination. He sighs in relief as  your instincts were back as well. As much as you tried to be normal, once you were an avenger, some habits would follow you anywhere and they turned out to be quite helpful in the end. Bucky presses a single finger to his mouth, motioning for you to stay in place to avoid the old floor cracking any traitorous sounds.

Standing on the tip of his toes he silently steps through the living room, careful not to leave any tell-tale sounds as he heads towards the front door. Every nerve told him to prepare for a fight. Whoever this intruder was and whatever his intentions were, they wouldn’t be here without a good reason. It was most unlikely though, for a burglar to break in during the afternoon. Chances were that some certain ghosts of his past decided to hunt him down and by doing so, potentially hunting you down on their go as well. Bucky frightened at that thought. Never would he let something happen to you, his last beautiful fire that lightened his darkness. 

The killer in him cracked his eyes open, yawning like a bear that’s just woken up after a long and hard winter, now ready once more to tear his victim into messy bloody pieces. His hands didn’t need a weapon to kill; Bucky himself was the weapon - - the most deadliest the world had to offer. 

Yes, he was close. He could hear the stranger‘s beating. Judging by the direction the intruder was either in the kitchen or close by. Bucky glanced around the corner but saw nothing. He stepped forward, keeping his body close to the wall, his breath low, too silent for someone to notice. 

One more step forward and he‘d be able to take another glance. He prepared his fists for a fight but when he stepped inside he found he was already awaited. He knew that man; he would never forget him. Bucky began to wonder what brought this man into his apartment illegally, instead of knocking or sending a damn message or something like that. 

“Nick Fury?” 

“‘m sorry, didn’t want to...,” Fury looked at Bucky from head to toe, searching for the right words as the former asset wore nothing more than simple black shorts on his hip, “disturb your love life.” 

Bucky startled at Fury’s words. He’d been too focused to pay any thought at his clothes but the situation in itself was too weird to feel embarrassed. 

“Why are you here?” Bucky asks instead. 

“Not because of you. Where’s your other half?” 

“Here,” you responded as you walk around the corner and into the kitchen, coming to a halt next to Bucky. He recognizes his shirt you’d put on, with lose shorts over your hips. Messy but still adorable on your small figure, he notices.

“You had no other options to bring me your... What brought you here, again?” Your arms locked around your chest and you glare at your former director with an arched eyebrow. He knew not to contact you ever again. Whatever it was that brought him to you, you wanted non of it. 

“It’s about Stark,” Fury tells you, his only eye on level with yours. Your confidence doesn’t crack, not even a little. As your hands wander to your hips you wait for him to continue. 

“Could you be any less vague at least? I’m not thrilled to have you here, Fury and you know why.” 

“Sure but maybe we should...,” His eye wanders over to Bucky, then back to you, “talk about this under three eyes.” 

“No. Whatever you have to tell me, you do it before all our eyes. This is our home and I decide who leaves and who doesn’t.” 

Fury sighs in both exhaustion and annoyance. You were such a _Stark_. “Fine,” he said, “but you may better take a seat.” You huffed at his words once again, still pissed that he broke into your apartment instead of respecting your wishes. “Yeah, seeing that you already followed your own offer, I’m glad to be allowed to sit down in my kitchen.” Bucky has to swallow his laughter, then coughs awkwardly with his fist before his mouth.  

Once either of you are seated in front of S.H.I.E.L.D’s former director, heavy silence falls over the room. While Bucky is rather relaxed, though a bit curious, he feels you burning in anger and suspense. You’re kneading your tensed muscles in your hands, let the knuckles in your fingers crack while you all but stare Fury down with the deadliest glare you could offer. Fury’s having non of it, glaring you down equally with his only eye and any other would’ve probably felt too small to withstand his authority but you never backed down in front of anyone. There was truly Stark’s blood running through your veins. 

“So,” you muttered, “can we finally get this over with? ‘Cause I’m quite busy here.” A blatant lie, for sure, Bucky knew. You were done studying and had the day off, the only plans you’ve had were having sex with him and relaxing in bed for the rest of the day. It was obvious you wanted Fury out of your house. As much as you’ve accepted the past, you definitely didn’t want it back in your life now. Bucky had no idea as to why Fury was here but it definitely wasn’t for small talk, that much he knew about that man. 

“Last time we’ve seen you’d been a lot more... talkative,” he commented but eventually reached the topic. “The reason I’m here is because you’re the best to deal with this - actually, you’re the only one.” You arch a single eyebrow at his dusty explanation. He knew you weren’t an avenger anymore and not a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, either, so what was he talking about? 

“Some one infiltrated Stark Industries and managed to get his hands on Tony’s tech - the Iron Suits, to be more precise, as well as his A.I.” Oh, he must be joking, you thought. Your eyes are opened in shock, your mouth forming a slight ‘o’. During the next seconds you couldn’t push a word out of your throat, too much of an impact had the information on you. However did that surely hadn’t the best intention to use your brother’s tech. At the moment not a single soul would pass by your mind; you had no idea who would be able to do such a thing. 

“Why- Wh- Why...  _me?_ ” 

_‘Why are you telling me?!’_ You wanted to scream at him. The new were heavy and managed to shake your precious wall that used to protect you from your past life. 

“We don’t have any information on the perpetrator as of now, although I’m pretty sure with your help we’ll hunt down these motherfuckers in no time.” 

He’s been right then, Bucky notices as Fury’s words reach his ears. He was really playing with the thought to send you after them - whoever they were. “N- No, I can’t... can’t do that,” you whisper, your body language telling how broken you suddenly are. “I left this life behind. Besides, there are plenty other people who’re able to do that. Ask some of the remaining Avengers, maybe Parker? I- I don’t know but don’t ask me, of all people!” All Bucky could do at that time was to hold your hand reassuringly to prove that he was there for you. 

“Parker doesn’t have your abilities, Stark. No one does and that’s why you’re the only one to take over this mission. Tony was your brother. Don’t you think you owe him protecting of what remains of him?” Fury’s words hit you one after another and your strong, confident figure dared to break apart. 

“Yes, he was my brother but he would’ve accepted that I’m different now. Tony always saw me as who I am. Sure I’m different from other - normal - people but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a normal life now. He wanted me to live the life he wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ have,” you explained, “What happened is terrible, but I’m not doing this. I’m not going to drift into my old habits again. I know you have people able to track those idiots down and then get them, so don’t try making me feel guilty.” You make an attempt to stand up to send Fury out of your apartment. When he doesn’t move in his seat, however, you frown at him in confusion. 

“I thinks that’s all, right? You better leave now and you should better stay away from us from now on, I mean it, Nick.” It hurt to know what’s been done with Tony’s creations but you felt it wasn’t your place to save them. Or was it? You were torn between your decisions and your past. Sure, those people had to be stopped but were you the one to put a stop to their plans? You were somehow involved in this case, just because you were Tony’s sister. But still... What about Rhodey? Or Parker? Both had been close to your brother as well and they’d probably take over the mission wholeheartedly together. 

“And I’m still convinced that you’re the only one who can manage this,” he says with that stubborn head of his. “At least take some time to think it through. I’ll send you everything we’ve got so far.” He finally rises from the chair, sends you one last intensive glare and turns around. “I’ll find out on my own, no need to guide me out,” he stated with his back turned to you. 

“Yeah, figured as much,” you mumble between your teeth, aware that he wouldn’t hear your words anymore. It’s now Bucky who leaves his current seat to step beside you, turning you around gently to pull you into a comforting hug. He’s aware that no words would help you now so he does the only thing _that helps._ His metal hand runs over your back in circles while his chin rests on your small shoulder with his eyes shut. 

Betrayal, that’s what you feel. Tony was dead and some idiots dared to get their hands on his work, no, his life! Madness joins the pool of your messed up feelings and you can no longer hold back the tears in your eyes. It doesn’t take long for Bucky’s shirt to be soaked through but he couldn’t care less about that. What mattered was you and only you. Always. 

“Hey,” he whispers, “‘s okay... cry it out, I’m right here. You’re not alone, ‘kay?” He pulls you a little closer, careful not to hug you too tight in his arms.  He wished nothing more than to take away the pain. You’d been doing so great for the longest time and it took one conversation with Fury to turn your strength into ashes. 

“We’ll make it through together. ‘m not going to leave your side. Never. I promised you, remember?” You free yourself out of his arms if only just a little to meet his gaze. Your eyes are heavy red, your hair a mess but to Bucky you were the most beautiful being the world had to offer. Even though your world’s been shattered your able to send Bucky a small smile. 

“I love you, James Buchanan Barnes,” you sniff, your eyes shining with passion and love, “When everything’s breaking apart, you’re still with me. You’re my greatest support; always manage to keep me at bay. Thank you, Bucky, for everything.” You stand on the tip of your toes, your arms thrown around Bucky’s neck as you pull him down into a soft kiss. He follows you into the kiss gladly, sucking on your bottom lip just a little bit. If he wanted to, he could’ve turned the kiss into something more but Bucky knows the situation isn’t right to do so. You were hurt, you needed comfort and he’d give you everything you needed without you even asking him to do so. 

“What do you wanna do now?” He asks as he pulls away slowly, cupping your face in his cheeks, keeping your face close to his. “Guess I need to talk to Pepper. She’ll want to know if she doesn’t already. Probably will be as hard for her as it is for me... Maybe she’ll help me figure out what to do,” you explain, immediately feeling the ache in your heart. 

“You know you don’t have to-,” Bucky started, 

“No, I know but, I still need her opinion, Bucky.”

“Still, there’s plenty others who could do this. I don’t wanna see you-,” 

“Bucky!” You shout desperately, close to shedding tears once more, “This hasn’t gotta do anything with you! Keep out of it,” Bucky stares at you with wide eyes. “Please,” you add silently, turning around to set your plan into reality. Bucky could do so much more to help you through this but right now he’s left to watch you torturing yourself and he hates it. 

~~~

“Hey Pep. Yeah, it’s me,” you greet her nonchalantly the moment she’s answered your call. “What’s going on? You sound... different,” she notices quickly. “So you haven’t heard? Can’t imagine that actually,” you stated simply. “What’re you talking about? Is it about Stark Industries? Only thing I know is someone stole some of our products but that’s not a big thing. I mean, yes, it’s terrible but it could’ve been worse. You’re not calling me to tell me that, right?” 

“Actually, I am. And it’s worse than that. We’re not talking about the things you sell on the market,” you start, thinking about how much you were going to tell her. “This is serious, Pep. Listen, Fury’s been at my apartment, told me some one got his hands on Tony’s suits and his A.I.” You let the words pass her mind a few minutes before you continue, “I- I don’t... know what to do, y’know? He was my brother and I feel like it’s on me to set things right; to save the last remaining pieces of him but, I’m torn, okay? It’s just that... I left this life behind for a reason and now I’m going to go back and I’m afraid and-,” Pepper suddenly interrupts your train of words. 

“Stop,” she demands seriously, “You need to stop this, okay? I know how you feel, well, to an extant, I mean. Tony was the same way,” she chuckles weakly, “It’s strange to hear these news, you know? They didn’t tell me what exactly happened. I mostly run this company from home, because I can’t make a step into these walls, it’s too much... Tony. And Morgan needs me, too.” You’d been surprised as well to hear that Pepper hadn’t known the truth but understood why she’d chosen to coordinate everything from home. Now that you thought about what she’d told her just seconds before, you start to have some suspicions. 

“Pep, who told you about it?” You had to think straight now. No feelings, no empathy, nothing. 

“I-It was Fury. He called me.” _He called her?_ You couldn’t remember a single time he called anyone, no, he chose to break in their houses or send some of his agents. _It wasn’t Fury._ You choose to not tell Pepper, however, you didn’t want the woman to worry even more, she had a hard time already raising her daughter on her own while running the company from home. 

“Okay, Pep, I’ll settle things right, I promise.” With that, you hang up the call and deactivate your phone. She’d try to call you back, you knew, trying to talk you out of all this. But there was no going back now. As much as you didn’t want to do this, you knew deep down you had to. 

_For Morgan and Pepper._

_For Tony.  
_

~~~

“No matter what you say, Bucky, you cannot change my mind,” you whisper with trembling lips. You’d walked into the bedroom, opening the wardrobe to quickly stuff some plain clothes into your bag. After receiving Fury’s reports you’d gotten immediately to the task. 

“I know I’m not in the place to talk you out of this,” Bucky started, “but remember what we promised each other. If you’re going to do this, you’ll only end up falling further, back into that hole of darkness.” Oh how right he was, you agreed in your thoughts. 

_‘We’ll never look back, no matter what may come. We’ll only look forward from now on. That’s how we can deal with the pain. The past can’t be forgotten, but accepted. And that needs distance.’_

The promise was fresh in your mind, as always since it was something you reminded yourself of every day. You wanted to scream at Bucky, admitting that you didn’t want to do it but if it weren’t you, who else would stop them? You’d known the answer before but that seemed forgotten as of now. It was on you, it’s always been on you and now that you’d faced the truth, you came to acknowledge that things would never change. Had you really been that oblivious, living in that one dream to escape your fate? 

“I’m already falling, Bucky,” you muttered, more to yourself than him but he heard your words nonetheless. 

“Then let me come with you,” he decides promptly, “If I can’t hold you back, I’ll follow you.” Your heart immediately skipped a few beats. 

“Hell no, I dare you to come with me, Barnes,” you speak, stepping back towards the wardrobe to pull out what you’d thought you would never need again: your suit. Not an iron suit - those belonged to Tony. Yours was similar to Natasha’s, also known as the ‘Black Widow’. The former spy had once been your best friend - until she sacrificed her very own life for a damn infinity stone. 

“You’ll stay here. I’m not gonna pull you into this. At least one of us should live their life, got that?” You throw the suit onto the bed, then quickly start to free yourself out of your daily clothes. 

“Well, that’s still on me, doll and I’m not gonna let you go alone. Told you I’d never leave your side. We’re in this together, remember?”

You’re only left in your underwear when you pause your actions with a sigh on your lips. “You’re gonna be the death of me one day, Barnes.” 

“As long as it’s me, I’m alright with this, doll.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one-shot will be continued with the next chapter. Both can be read separately.


End file.
